Today in clinicals, Tracy and I were working together on morning CBG's and insulin shots, when Kathrin came and told us some news about a patient that we had cared for yesterday. He was in the end stages of liver failure and wasn't expected to live throught the day.We jumped at the opportunity to go do vitals and listen to his lungs. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was excited to learn something new. We walked into the dimly-lit room to find him laying in his bed with eyes and mouth open wide. He was gurgling with every breath. Instead of going forward and introducing myself, like I normally do, I froze completely. I was so scared all of a sudden. This wasn't just a chance to perform a new task, this was a REAL man, dying. Kathrin was wonderful and talked to him in such a calm voice to let him know we were there and he wasn't alone. I tried so hard to compose myself and talk to him, but instead, I stood there shaking like a leaf! Soon after that, this poor man started to choke and cough up coffee-ground-looking blood. She asked me if I wanted to listen to his lungs and I reluctantly walked over, bent over him and with very shakey hands, put my stethoscope to his chest. Right before I touched him, he coughed again. I jerked back. I tried it again, slowly placing the steth on his chest. Kathrin spoke to him gently, I honestly tried, but all I could mutter was, "Thomas". I began to listen. Bump...bump...............bump.............................Then nothing. I looked up at Kathrin, who was on the other side of him, she nodded slowly and I knew he was gone. I also knew that I was the person that heard his heart beat for the very last time! It was a feeling I can't explain. I was so upset with myself because I wanted so badly to comfort him, and I was so scared that I just couldn't do it. We alerted the staff and when they came to do the post care, we walked out. I think I was in a state of shock. I went back to the counter and picked up the CBG chart again and started to get back in the swing of things. I guess I was numb. Then, right before I went into another patients room, I realized that I was still shaking. Kathrin came over, patted me on the shoulder and asked if I was alright. I wasn't expecting my reaction. I lost it! I started to cry in front of my fellow students, my instructor and the nurses who worked there. I had to go sit in the break room and get myself together. It hit me hard! I had just watched a human die! I never ever thought I'd be in a situation like that! It was just minutes before when we were all jumping at the chance to give injections and pass meds, and now, that didn't matter. I knew I had to pull it together and go back out there and treat the residents, so I kinda blocked it out and tried to go about the rest of the shift normally. It was in the car ride home, that I almost had to pull over because I was crying so hard. But I also realized something that hadn't occured to me earlier, he didn't die alone, we were with him. I'd like to believe that even though I only spoke his name, he knew I was there and that I had compassion for him. I will never forget Thomas and my experience with him. I will always hold him close to my heart! I wanted to tell you about my day because it was amazing! Not only did I learn how to do nurse things, I also learned life is precious!
